I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We need a shit load of segways right now
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
