He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
