I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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