had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
