and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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