someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
