apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
