There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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