no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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