I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize