Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize