she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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