he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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