yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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