GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
