OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
