I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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