I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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