brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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