I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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