i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
