Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
