Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
