I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
