i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
