Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
