I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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