bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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