I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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