my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
tell me about the fingering
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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