So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I could make wine with my vomit
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
