mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
