K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
