I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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