Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
