Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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