"it" just moved
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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