My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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