Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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