So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
