A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your penis caused this!
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