okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you had me at cake vodka
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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