i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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