i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
