rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
