is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
