Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
