i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
