i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Two words: nipple clamps
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