Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
