Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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