If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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