i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
