tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Still dying that you shit outside
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
