i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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