the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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