My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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